Saturday, September 5, 2015

What if you weren't living the life you imagined when you were 20?

As I sit here on Labor Day weekend, pondering as I usually do everyday, cleaning up emails, my life and much more, I came across this feeling of not being the "special snowflake" I imagined I should have been by now or as viewed from the eyes of a much younger person, back in the day. I remember fear struck in me when in Junior College, attending an art history class, as I learned about Grandma Moses, who achieved her fame in her late 70's I believe.  My first thought as a young 20 year old, was never wanting this to happen to me.  I desired reaching my goals far earlier in life. However, so far, looks like Grandma Moses has a stronger hold on my achievements than previously wanted by me, for me.

From that moment to now, I have been humbled by a karmic history I still have yet to understand, one that bites at my heels like a junk yard dog, injuring my journey, slowing down the momentum. In reflecting daily on the feeling I might not understand the whys of my karma, nor be able to correct this karma, even though I try very hard everyday to do just that, it does not feel like it is working yet. This karma, is mine to own and is baffling, however I am learning the value of old words with less satisfactory solutions, i.e. the repeating of the word, acceptance.  Saying the word "acceptance", and doing daily mantras to fixing my ills, my life struggles with my artistry are quite revealing, albeit difficult for me to live within the narrow boundaries my box provides. Given the less than expansive domain of my personally designed creative box of fun, this too affects how well I understand my karmic life. But I try, for I am tenacious, I also have a never give up type of personality and seem to continually find ways to move my life along. I straighten my shoulders, comply with how the world is different from what I remember it looked like when I was 20 and go forward, with hope, always hope, just like Pandora and her box of curiosity.

So, if you are inclined, follow me, like me, support me, champion me, or better yet, hire me.  Of what life is left in front of me, a personality test I took last night, thinks I am 38 years old, where I prefer to stay locked in at 23 years old, my personal favorite age to be. Both ages are far below where I am now chronologically, I still push forward with my life and its changes, happy trails to us all.